Keskes' guide to cliche fanfiction!
by Kesiah
Summary: Now with examples! That's right, Kes turns her humor mode on and takes a look at some cliches. First up, the rape-fic! Contains hints of yaoi.
1. rapefic

Ok people! Well, some of you have probably already identified the large amounts of cliched fics, not all of them applying to this fan-verse. The following chapter will all give a brief look over the basic ideas and faults of these cliches, and stories that have become cliches. My advice is this: Take these lessons with a grain of salt, they are meant in fun for the most part, though you may learn something from them. ^^ 

Also, if your story is becoming too close to this, STOP NOW! You most likely have a cliche in your hands, though it IS possible to write some of these as non-cliche stories, it's not something I would feel confident in attempting myself. Though, if you think you HAVE a story that is not a cliched rape-fic or such, feel free to tell me, though if I get someone who can't be bothered to at least TRY to use correct English and spelling, then don't be surprised if I can't be bothered to read it. 

On a side note, Demyrie also wrote a story with a similar idea, titled "A Fic Like Any Other", if you wish to read it. She mentions me in the intro!! 

Now that we have the perfunctionaries over with, shall we get on with the lesson? 

DISCLAIMER: You need one of these, even if we ARE writing on a place called fanfiction.net, which would indicate that we don't own this material, but apparently some people just don't seem to be able to grasp the concept unless it's in bold letters.... 

WARNINGS: My sense of humour comes to full-power in these things. If you don't like it, feel free to complain, provided it's a legitimate complaint. I'm very picky. ^^ Also, there will be hints of male/male AKA two guys in LOVE/lust in this fic. If you still complain about this afterward, I get to laugh at you, post your flame in the next chapter and in my journal, so that all my friends can laugh at you, and then ignore you. If anything, it will amuse me for a bit, I don't know what you'd get out of the deal though. XD 

Onward! 

---------

**The Rape-fic**

Daxter walked through the streets of Haven City. He was, for an unknown and unexplained reason, humanoid, rather then his well-known ottsel self, though this could be attributed to the current boom in plot holes in Haven City. But anyway, Daxter was human, and was, for an equally unknown reason, walking through Haven City. 

But we can't let little details stop us, now can we? 

So while Daxter was going for his unexplained walk, he was musing about Jak, as he seems to do a lot. Most males think about sex on average of about every eight seconds, according to scientists anyway, and Daxter spent as much time again thinking about Jak, even though he would apparently have other important things to think about, like running his bar, managing his employees and getting rather drunk. 

Still, he was musing about Jak. Let's describe Daxter, shall we? Even if he IS a character from another person's game, and everyone who reads this will have an idea of what he looks like ANYWAY, we can still describe him. Fangirl style. 

Daxter was, and he pretty much always is in these things, boy-ish in his appearances, almost feminine, with his slim body, tapered waist (excentuated by his belt, obviously) and fine features. You could almost over-look his rather protrusive front teeth, particularly if you decided to gloss over them in favour of, say, his hair. You might be able to describe it as silken to the touch, except you'd need to get someone to touch it, and seeing as this is Haven, it's not likely that anyone walking around outside for more than one minute could possibly still have clean hair. Greasy to the touch doesn't much cut it though, does it? It WAS a rather shocking shade of red, shading to orange at the roots, though. And this, combined with the slim, affore-mentioned-girl-like-body, gave the impression that someone had used the boy as a paintbrush at some point. 

Don't ask why Daxter is still around the same age as he was in the first game, and still looks the same, even though at least two years have passed. 

Or where his clothing came from. Possibly the same place Jak's did at the start of the second game... 

So Daxter, slim, girly-looking, buck-toothed and with his interesting hair, walked the streets and thought about Jak. It isn't really important WHAT he was thinking about Jak, as it was generally either angsty or romantic (depending on the writer), but he was thinking about Jak. This is important. 

It was only after Daxter took a few turns and wound up in a dead-end alley that he didn't recognize that he stopped thinking about Jak, and got onto thinking about where he was. Which was; in Haven City, an unknown area, in a dead-end alley and it was getting dark. 

Daxter whimpered a little, he knew how these stories went. No one ever wound up in a dead-end alley, close to nightfall, in a part of the city they didn't know, without something bad happening to them. This just goes to show that characters aren't as stupid as some people make them act. 

Almost on cue, the rapist turned up. After all, this IS a rape-fic, so naturally, he was a rapist. You can tell by the way he is taller than Daxter, is more menacing and is most likely carrying a concealed weapon somewhere. Also, like most rapists in these stories, he apparently had nothing better to do then stand around in an alley-way and hope someone rapeable came by. 

"What do you want?" Daxter quavered, backing away from the rapist. The only answer was a smile, and a knife was produced from somewhere. 

"Leave me alone!" Daxter tried, though it didn't do any good. What's a rape fic where someone doesn't get raped? 

The rapist did some more random, supposedly-threatening posturing, before lunging forward to pin Daxter to the wall. He seized Daxter's lips roughly with his own and forced his tongue into Daxter's mouth. 

Daxter closed his eyes, he knew what came next. 

*~*~*~*~Insert graphic lemon/rape-scene here~*~*~*~*

Daxter staggered out of the alley, and the rapist went off to do whatever it was rapists did after raping fictional characters. Which is probably, against all known real situations, stalk them. Daxter's clothing was torn in several places, and he was bleeding from various wounds. Pained and exhausted, Daxter sank to his knees and leaned against a wall, tears welling up in his eyes. 

'I wish Jak were here...' he thought, proving that narrative can override normal processes, else he would have not been thinking nearly as much, or at least not as coherently, and it most likely would have been more a sort of shocked 'why did this happen?' type of thought... 

Coincidentally, possibly because he fell through a plot hole or something, Jak happened to be walking along that very street, at that very moment. Rather than, say, on a Zoomer he obtained 'legally' in another section of the city. 

But anyway, Jak was there now. 

Jak narrowed his eyes, trying to make out the slumped form in front of the alleyway, he felt strangely drawn to investigate this figure, even though this was Haven City and slumped figures were most likely a very normal occurrence. But this one was different. 

Jak blinked as he suddenly realized who he was staring at, and gave a definitely un-Jak-like girly-gasp. "Daxter!" he cried, rushing over to his stricken friend. "What happened to you?! Who did this?!" 

Daxter groaned a little. "Jak? I...I.." he broke down in sobs, clutching at his friend's tunic. 

"Shh, Daxter... I'll get you back to the Naughty Ottsel. Everything will be alright..." Jak whispered and gently scooped his friend into his arms and carried him off. Of course, Jak COULD have stolen a Zoomer and gotten his friend back faster, but apparently he felt like carrying him today and showing off his friend's bleeding form to everyone in Haven. 

While they walked, Jak thought. 'How could I let this happen?' he wondered. 'Daxter's my best friend, how could I have let this happen to him? I should have protected him, I should have been there to save him. Who could have done this to him? I wonder if Keira is free later...' 

These and other such thoughts danced through his head, showing that most people don't think practically. After all, even if Jak was there, what's to say that the rapist didn't have a gun, shot Jak and then raped Daxter anyway? Still, those were the types of things Jak thought about, also proving that apparently he had the ability to tell that Daxter had been raped without asking or having a professional check for signs. 

Eventually the duo reached the Naughty Ottsel, the bar that apparently ran itself, as Daxter hardly seemed to spend any time in the place, and the only other person around was Tess. Still, reality often gets ignored in fiction, so what's a little more minor details? 

Inside the bar, Jak showed no signs of fatigue from walking half-way across the city carrying someone, and carried Daxter towards their bathroom, where he carefully lay him down and ran a bath. 

"Here Dax, take a bath, you'll feel better. And we can dress your wounds later." he said, then left Daxter to undress himself, and drown in the tub for all Jak knew. 

Jak himself then went into the main bedroom that they shared (separate beds, people). He completely failed to call the authorities about the rape, and thought about Daxter, washing away all the genetic evidence that could have arrested his rapist. But Jak had more important things to do, didn't he? Jak had to angst. 

Angsting is very important. Why? Without Jak angsting about what happened to Daxter, and Daxter angsting about everything, then we wouldn't have a good rape-fic format, now would we? 

So Jak sat and angsted. He angsted about what happened to Daxter, he angsted about what would happen to Daxter now, and through his over-flow of angst, Jak came to realize one thing that the authoress had in mind right from the start. He loved Daxter. Amazing how all it took was his best friend being raped for him to realize that he cared for him. Maybe if Keira got raped next, Jak would go back to liking her... 

Jak knew he loved Daxter. He was horrified at what had happened to Daxter, his closest friend had been abused by a random stranger, and it was all very tragic, but it probably wouldn't stop the two of the boinking in the next chapter or so. After all, rape victims have an amazingly fast recover time, don't you know? 

So, while Jak sat and got on with his angsting, Daxter sat in the bloodied bath water and... made it bloodier. But while he did that, he also got to angst. Seeing a pattern here? While Jak angsted about his feelings for Daxter, Daxter angsted about his feelings for Jak. 'After all, I'm so dirty now, he won't ever want me. I'm not worth it...' 

Daxter looked up as the door opened, his eyes alighting on Jak's form filling the doorway. There to either provide belated emotional support, or to see if Daxter really had bled to death in the bath water. 

"Daxter? Can I come in?" Jak asked, even though he was technically already in the room. 

"Uhhh sure Jak.." Daxter stammered. 

Jak walked over to the bath tub and started helping Daxter wash himself down. This lead to much physical touching that caused Daxter to sigh and close his eyes a little, even though he'd been raped a little under an hour ago. Go figure. 

"Daxter.. I.. I've been meaning to tell you something for a while now.." Jak began as he helped Daxter out of the bath water. 

"Jak?" 

"Daxter... I.. love you." Jak said, apparently deciding to ignore his friend's horrendous ordeal in favour of his own feelings. 

"You.. do?" Daxter said, not believing his own overly-large ears. 

"I do." Jak said looking deeply into Daxter's red-rimmed eyes. 

"But I'm so dirty.." Daxter began. 

"I don't care about that! I love you Daxter!" Jak stated, dragging the other boy to his chest. He was right though, if he HAD cared about what happened, he probably would have called the authorities, or waited until a less traumatic moment to profess his emotions. Chances were that Jak was just horny and Keira was out of town. 

Daxter wept into Jak's shirt, and allowed his friend to lead him to his room and put him into bed. 

"Good night Daxter." Jak whispered. "I won't let anything hurt you ever again." 

And with that, Daxter fell asleep. 

------

I think I've managed to cover most of the basic ideas of the 'rape-fic cliche'. Of course, many of them manage several chapters, so you may find it's been built out using some basic plot twists, such as the rapist decided to stalk the victim for no apparent reason; the rapist turning out to be another cast member, generally the one the writer has a grudge against; or having one or all of the characters die. 

Please don't take this too seriously, I meant it mostly as a bit of fun, though you do tend to get a lot of these fanfics around the place. Praise and worship will be accepted, flames looked over, but ignored if they contain bad spelling/grammar or belong to an unidentified reviewer. I don't care if you flame this, as chances are you're doing so because your fanfic is almost identical to this cliche, but I do care if flamers don't have the guts to let me know who they are when they flame me. 

Well-written reviews will be saved and looked over, because I love having the chance to improve. ^^

  
  



	2. Selfinsertion

Welcome back! seeing as I am now writing a second chapter, that means that I received a favourable response to my previous chapter, or at least wasn't burned bad enough to make me think I should stop. Now, I have a little habit of thanking all my reviewers by name for taking the time to review my fic, so if you'd like to look for your review id, you can read my response, or you can skip over that section. I mainly do it because I think it's a nice gesture, it shows that I read your review, and I can answer any questions or whatever that you may have. It also makes my fic seem longer! XD 

Otherwise, this week/time period of your choice(?), we will be looking at the Self-Insertion fics (now in two parts!)! You most likely know what I'm talking about, you may have even written one, so please take note of the information from the previous chapter, reused below because I'm lazy. . I WAS intending to do a different plot-line for this chapter, but the one I had in mind didn't show enough evidence of use for me to think of it as a cliche, so I fell back onto a different idea. 

**The general info (taken from the pervious chapter, but going to be repeated every chapter, for the sake of idiots and lawyers..)**: Ok people! Well, some of you have probably already identified the large amounts of cliched fics, not all of them applying to this fan-verse. The following chapter will all give a brief look over the basic ideas and faults of these cliches, and stories that have become cliches. My advice is this: Take these lessons with a grain of salt, they are meant in fun for the most part, though you may learn something from them. 

Also, if your story is becoming too close to this, STOP NOW! You most likely have a cliche in your hands, though it IS possible to write some of these as non-cliche stories, it's not something I would feel confident in attempting myself. Though, if you think you HAVE a story that is not a cliched self-insertion or such, feel free to tell me, though if I get someone who can't be bothered to at least TRY to use correct English and spelling, then don't be surprised if I can't be bothered to read it. 

**DISCLAIMER**: Obviously I own Jak and Daxter, and Jak II: Renegade, Jak 3 and Jak: Xtreme Racing Pro, Super Jak Party and Krazy Jak Golfing 2004, and if anyone steals my obviously well-thought-out and brilliantly-original games... Wait, isn't this ? Does the simple fact I am posting this here invalidate my claims? Yes, yes it does. 

**WARNINGS**: Caution: Deranged sense of humor, which is only borderline unoffensive, ahead. Otherwise, I can't think of any other needed warnings. No Yaoi in this chapter people. I know, I know, I'm sorry yaoi fans, while the non-yaoi fans cheer... And people who know me say "She can write Non-Yaoi fics?!" Yes, I can. I think... 

**Random bit that won't fit in with the earlier random bits...**: For those curious, I DO take suggestions for possible cliche plotlines to explore, I DO have a DeviantArt page with many of my art pieces, a majority of which are Jak & Daxter-related, I DO have a serious fanfic of my very own titled 'Aftermath', and I DO indulge in shameless plugs! I also got NINE reviews for the last chapter of this! (My highest number so far. People like me) Oh! And a BIG thanks to Krin, who helped my decide what to write about next. 

**THANKYOUS**: 

_Von_: Did you not know that Keskes has a highly developed sixth-sense? And that she has been reading your mind since you started reviewing? I'm glad that I rank an instant viewing though, ego, she go INFLATE I'm glad that your ficcu didn't fall into the 'cliche' part of those style of fics. I may get around to reading it... one day. When I get my life back... 

_ Demz, to whom I am o_: Everyone seems to wanna make Daxter girly in yaoi fics, but you ARE trying to avoid it, ne? . Thankfully, I rarely tire of pumping out humorous parodies, so the chapters most likely manage to make it out faster than my serious fics. XD And Yes, rapeable is a word, or it should be... > 

_Razzek Mecotl_: I'm glad you liked it that much. Reviews feed the creativity, or more often, the ability to go on when the white-hot fire of a fresh idea has faded... 

_Krin_: You haven't read a rape fic? Read at least one, guarantee it will teach you what NOT to do, and make this story funnier. Unless you find a well-written one, then it will make me seem stupid... --;; Actually, Demz and I have discovered we have surprisingly similar ideas, but different methods of executing them. 

_DarkMistress950_: You think I went a little far? Hmmmm I'm not sure if it's an upbringing thing. I live in Australia, we tend to have a pretty flexible sense of humor, and my family are VERY open to amusing ideas. Some people might find it tasteless, but I figure if you can't laugh at life, what else can you do? I do try to restrict myself to non-offensive topics and methods though, so hopefully no one takes it too badly. 

_Krimzon Karr_: Thanks! Fortunately (unfortunately?), no one actually flamed me for this, which may have been mildly dissapointing, I've never been flamed before, and halfway wish someone would soes I could rant about it. . 

_Ai-chan_: Next in store we have Jak crossdressing and Daxter running an all-male brothel... XD Or not. I hope you enjoy this rather meagre offering though. 

_Sabulana_: I'm glad it cheered you up, though writing angsty stuff only really gets me down when I'm REALLY emotionally into it, so that's how I can tell it's going to be good, or at least emotionally accurate for me. So that may be a good sign, ne? 

Whew! Now that's out of the way, onwards! 

------

Rebel Angel cursed as she, once again, died while playing JakII. It didn't particularly matter where she was up to in the game, the important thing to remember is that she is playing the game, and is apparently very bad at it. 

"You idiot Jak! I pressed the jump button dammit! When I press the jump button, you JUMP! It's not that HARD!!! Fine! Roll off the stupid cliff!! See if I care!!" she screamed, hurled down the PS2 controller and set about having a good sulk. Conveniently, this sequence of events apparently caused an inter-dimensional portal to open via the TV screen. Go figure. 

"Wow, this is much better than before!!" Rebel said, staring at the portal. She wasn't the least bit worried about HOW exactly an inter-dimensional portal came to open in her room, nor did she run screaming from the area, like any sane person would do. But then, this wouldn't be much of a story otherwise, would it? 

So there was an inter-dimensional portal in her TV. Which means we get to describe said portal. Most of these things tend to be similar, left over special effects from sci-fi movies and the like. Basically it was the tried and true spining-hole-like-thing, with built in Flashing Lights, real Sucking Action and Batteries not included! Rebel stared at it, again showing that she had rather different reactions to the 'normal' human, who would either be calling the media, or wondering what had been slipped into their food. 

"What is this?!!" 

On cue the spining-hole-like-thing did it's share of plot-moving, and sucked Rebel in, with it's Flashing Lights, Sucking Action and everything. 

-----

When the epileptic fit inducing special effects had died away, Rebel blinked and looked around. Somehow, due to a massive plot hole, she had wound up in Haven City. 

"Cool!!!!11!" she said, somehow managing to pronounce digits at the same time as exclamation marks, "This is waaaay better than the game!!" Rebel turned around a few times, taking in the vast city and the towering reminder of the Baron's presence. It was then that she heard the sound of marching feet, hearlding the arrival of Erol. Plot holes again. 

"Well well well, what have we here?" Erol said, in the traditional brainless manner of a character whose personality has been forcably removed. "Another FREAK! Look at those ears," he continued, ignoring the fact that Krew's ears weren't that large either. "The Baron will want to see you!" 

The Baron apparently collected freaks and oddities, with the amount that wind up being arrested for his prisons and new, previously-unknown experiments. But we'll go into that later. 

And before Rebel had a chance to use her marvelously well-developed martial art abilities, she was rendered unconscious. 

-----

When Rebel woke up, she was surprised to find herself in a prison cell. Which is odd, because where else do you expect to wake up after being captured by guards? Still, Rebel obviously didn't understand this basic law, nor the basic ruling in most of these fics, that Baron Praxis seemed to shove any and all new-commers into the prison cells. Sort of initiation, if you will. 

"Hey!! Let me out!!" Rebel screamed, pounding her fists against the door. 

"It won't work," a soft voice spoke from the ajoining cell. "They won't come for you until the Baron has decided what to do with you." 

Rebel spun around to stare through the small grate that was all that separated the cells. The cells seen in the game had been solid concrete or metal, but this one had a grate, after all, it was important to the plot. 

"Jak?!" Rebel said, staring at the figure in the other cell. 

"You've heard of me?" Jak pulled himself closer to the grate so he could see Rebel more clearly. As Jak stared at the girl, he became more and more aware of how beautiful she was. Sapphire blue eyes gazed at him from a perfectly proportioned face, and Jak felt drawn to touch the perfect lips with his own. Her pure white hair framed her face and featured a pitch black streak running down the center, and reached down to her cutely rounded rump. Which causes wonder as to how the hell Jak can see how long her hair is, or what shape her backside is. But we'll ignore these facts, shall we? It was time for the obligatory clothing description anyway. 

Rebel was wearing a tight, black tanktop covered by a light blue coat that fell to her knees. Underneath she wore a pair of short black shorts and her lace-up black boots. Jak can apparently see through clothing to get all these details, which also enabled him to notice that Rebel was also wearing a silver pendant set with a green stone, as well as a thin silver arm band that wrapped around her upper left arm. 

Jak briefly thought that it was rather unfair of the guards to strip him of everything he owned and leave him in a rather unflattering prison outfit, when this girl could keep everything. But he only briefly thought on it. 

"I've got a plan to get us out of here!" Rebel said confidently. Jak listened intently as she outlined it, blatantly ignoring the fact he'd been in there for two years, and had probably tried every method of escape possible at least twice. 

"Sounds like it might work." Jak agreed. 

"Let's do this!" 

Rebel turned away from the grate and approached the door, beating on it with her fists and calling for the guards. When one of the guards opened the cell to see what was wrong, Rebel neatly caught his chin with a fist before sending him flying backwards with a well placed kick. She then ran towards the other guard, who forgot for the moment that he was armed with a gun, and took him down with a few more kicks. 

"I've got the keys, Jak!" 

"That you might," a voice said, and Erol stepped out from the shadows where he'd been watching his men get their asses kicked. Cause it amused him or something. "But now I have you!" And he seized her by the arms, somehow causing all of Rebel's fighting abilities to vanish. Again. 

"Jaaaakk!!" 

Purple electricity danced under the door to afore-mentioned-hero's cell, before the door was violently blow backwards and Jak emerged. 

"What the hell is that?!" Erol demanded. 

"Dark Eco! It's made Jak into Dark Jak!!!" Rebel exclaimed, just in case she was the only one paying attention to the game. 

Dark Jak roared and swiped at Erol, knocking him flying into a wall. Erol slumped to the ground, and Dark Jak turned towards Rebel. 

"No! Jak, it's me!" Rebel screamed as she dodged a wild swing. "It's no good, I can't get through to him!" she said, the only person in existence to exclaim everything she says. "I guess I'll have to fight him off!!" 

Dark Jak grinned evilly and drew back to put Rebel out of our misery (we can but hope), but before the blow could land, blindingly white wings burst from her back, and her eyes shone white light. Rebel reached forwards and grabbed Dark Jak's arms. "No more!" 

The blackness faded from Jak's eyes the same moment the light ceased to flow from Rebel's and the two stared at each other. 

"What was that?" Jak asked. 

"White Eco to balance the Dark Eco!" Rebel exclaimed. She liked exclaiming things. "It's almost like we were destined to meet!!!" 

Jak nodded. "I'm just glad you were able to stop me. I wouldn't want to hurt you." He smiled at Rebel and touched her hair. 

Rebel smiled back and blushed. "We should find a way out of here!" 

-----

Haven City looked exactly as Rebel remembered it as she lead Jak through the streets. "We need to find some place for us to hide!" she called back, regardless of the huge number of guards in the area. "Maybe we can join a resistance movement?!" 

Jak nodded, but was unable to answer as they were confronted by an elderly man in the company of a small child. 

"Welcome to Haven City, I am Kor." the old man said, "We need you people to protect us, and I will tell you about the Underground movement!" 

Jak nodded and Rebel dropped into fighting stance. There weren't that many Krimzon Guards, and the pair took them down with ease. That being done, Kor thanked them for their help, and pointed them along the path to the Underground. 

"I don't trust him!" Rebel stated, "He's up to something! We should keep an eye on him Jak!" she smiled slightly. "That kid also looked really familiar, I get the feeling I know him!" 

Jak shrugged. "We're here." he pointed out, probably wondering why all the good parts of his game were being taken over by some teenaged girl with poor fashion sense. 

Rebel stalked over to the tall man in the alleyway. "Are you Torn?!" she demanded, ignoring the fact that Kor hadn't mentioned anyone by that name. "We wanna join the Underground!" 

Torn fiddled with his knife, tossing it from hand to hand. "Sure." he shrugged, "Looks like we're having an 'accept anyone who wants to join the Underground without asking them to prove themselves' day. So come on in. So far we've had three random guys, a Krimzon Guard, two Lurkers and a Metalhead join. You guys'll fit right in." 

Rebel grinned dangerously and headed inside. Jak followed, but he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something rather odd about all of this. Until he saw Rebel again, then his mind reverted to obsessing about her like it should be. 

-----End Part One-----

Yes, it's going to be in more than one part. Be afraid. 

Hope you guys enjoyed it all, and I honestly will try to update more frequently (though stalker-ish emails demanding updates help alot, as do reviews). Hugs for all!!


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